05 July 2013

The 10 Most Important Things I've Learned from Judge Judy

For those of you who knew about and/or visited the new/old blog I launched (then totally abandoned on the doorstep of a nearby church at midnight a year ago), this post may look a little familiar. That's because it is. But it's pretty funny and I kind of like it, and since waaay more people visit me here than at that other blog I don't pay any attention to these days, I thought: why not bring this good stuff over here? No sense just leaving it there. It's kind of awesome. I kind of love it. And I'd hate to leave it behind. So if you're reading this and you're thinking WTF? She's totally recycling this! Yes. Yes, I am. Go have a great weekend and come back on Monday when I'll have something brand new to say. But if you've never seen this before and you're thinking to yourself By gawd that Judge Judy IS a genius, and I've finally found someone who thinks so too! then read on, my friends. Read on....


I spend a lot of my days now learning new things about the society we in which we live through deeply thoughtful and provoking programming: the CBC, CP24 and the like. But none have taught me as much as Judge Judith Sheindlin has. Go ahead and mock, but Judge Judy's courtroom is a perfect example of how NOT to live in society, and much can be learned from the human garbage over which she presides for 30 minutes a day. Thus I give you: The 10 Most Important Things I've Learned From Judge Judy. Memorise them, friends. They will serve you well (and will hopefully keep you out of America's television courtrooms):
  1. You live where your possessions are: any of them; everywhere. "If you leave so much as a toothbrush in a place, you reside there." This is good news for me: based on all the places I've forgotten my toothbrush, hair brush, shampoo and other assorted toiletries, I can claim legitimate squatters' rights to several major hotel chains across Canada and at least one B&B. Sweet.
      
  2. Parents always think their child is right. This is wrong. But thinking a child is always wrong is also wrong. Ditto thinking they are wrong sometimes, or most times, or occasionally. Thinking they're right occasionally? Most definitely wrong. But if they are wrong, or maybe right, not acknowledging that right/wrongness is also wrong. Conclusion? Children are inherent liars and criminals, and you're too stupid to raise them.
      
  3. Typos can cost you a lot of money. Like, a LOT.
      
  4. There is a difference between a rhetorical question and an actual question. It is equally egregious to a) try to answer a rhetorical question with anything that resembles words, body language or common sense, or b) stare dumbly and silently in the face of an actual question, with your mouth open or closed {it doesn't matter - it's all bad}. Learn the difference. And close your mouth.
      
  5. Long, dangly, sparkly earrings are annoying, and people who wear them are deserving of criticism. No amount of verbal abuse is excessive so take note, teenagers and fashionistas. There's a tongue-lashing on the horizon and you may never see it coming.
      
  6. Men and women shouldn't kid themselves into thinking they can have any sort of platonic relationship: they can't. It's impossible, and I wish I known this sooner. I didn't realize this was the case and now, apparently, I have to confess have a seriously awkward conversation with my husband. Seriously. Awkward.
      
  7. Developing an opinion of someone based on next to no information, and not changing that opinion regardless of how much evidence is presented to the contrary of your initial impression, is always the right thing to do. That jackass is exactly as stupid/ trashy/ illiterate/ slutty/ obnoxious/ idiotic/ selfish/ rude and/or cheap as you thought they were within the first four seconds of meeting them, and don't be fooled by their efforts to prove otherwise. Stay strong and judge on.
      
  8. Being stupid isn't an excuse.
      
  9. Beware the company you keep: "guilt by association" doesn't just apply to criminal activity, and "stupid by association" is a real thing. It's not on Wikipedia yet but it will be (ooohhhh, it will be) and then I will be famous for labelling a phenomenon we all know exists (like "bromance" or "manscaping," except my phrase won't exclusively apply to dudes. Only mostly because ... come on. You've met dudes.) Hang with stupid people at your own risk, Smart People! Why? See point #8.
      
  10. Reference notes are for wussies. If you can't recite all the facts from memory when complaining about someone else's stupid and/or offensive behaviour (including important dates, full names and address, and monetary amounts), you clearly haven't been offended enough and shouldn't be complaining in the first place. No one wants to hear you whine about all the horrible things that have been done to or against you if you have to check your notes; have some consideration! Or get less interesting friends who might have time to listen to your scripted bellyaching, because everyone else is more exciting and likes the pace to move a little faster, thank you, than you can keep up with reading from your lame cue cards. Memorise your griping, folks, or prepare to live a life of solitude filled with the derision of society.
        
Happy Friday, everybody. We're off to the beach tomorrow for a volleyball tourney (you know, the usual). Going to try a little harder this weekend to ward off the old skin cancer, but no promises. (J, by the way, is peeling like a banana right now and is itching like crazy. I've started a rumour that he has fleas and he is not amused...)